Sunday, 15 March 2015

I Really Couldn't Care Less

First, let's get the grammar issue out of the way.
The phrase is “I couldn't care less” meaning you are at the bottom of your care threshold and there is no further distance to travel on the "give a shit" meter. Far too many people (myself included in the past) use the phrase “I could care less” as if being capable of caring less is somehow derogatory. If you told me you could care less, I would be quite happy with your response since you obviously mean you do care.
Pfft. Who cares.
I was reading meters the other day and came around the corner of a house to be faced with a coffin. (I shit you not.) Whether one is considering their transitory mortality or not, there is a series of thought bombs exploding in the air pockets of the brain with synapses running around slamming into each other in a morbidly drunken stupor when you're doing a job and wondering if the frigging coffin five feet away is occupied or not. I didn't bother to stick around to find out if Uncle Albert happened to be coiffed in his finery awaiting the spring thaw for burial.
As I departed I checked my undies for brown lumps.
I'm flipping the mileage digits on the birth certificate in few days and have come to the flourishing realisation that I really don't give two hoots. I mean, once you hit the Big 5 oh and understand most of your life is behind you, there really isn't much to care about any longer. There's plenty I want to do and if I kick the proverbial bucket tomorrow and fall face first into the dry, hot dirt, I'm not that worried about it. Yeah, I'll fight to stay alive and at the same time I've caused enough crap and done enough cool stuff and pissed enough people off and loved as hard as I know how in my life to keep the local tabloids busy for a couple days. Beyond that, what else is there?
Oh. There's that list of...
Nah. Never mind. I'll be gone anyway and won't really care.
The thought got me wondering what I really do and don't care about. Do I care about ending world hunger and poverty? Yes. Do I care about equality of rights and freedoms among all peoples? Yes. Do I care if my government makes policy changes that seem unfair? Yes. Do I care about the environment and our effect upon it? Yes. Those are all big things. Global things. Things I will voice my opinion on knowing sudden radical change is unlikely though I remain hopeful. It's fairly likely I won't be around to see those things. But my nephews and their kids might be and I give a shit about that.
Global isn't the issue.
I've reached that point in my life that my uncaring can seem like arrogance. It's not. It's a line in the sand I have drawn through careful consideration and learning about myself where I will no longer tolerate those things that displease me, hurt me or hurt those close to me. I have little patience for intolerance, cynicism, narcissism and hatred. I no longer have the time nor the inclination to listen to a barrage of negative commentary designed only to stroke an ego.
I have no inclination to chase love or attention. I would much rather stand still and wait for those things to show up naturally. I've lost the inclination to please those who don't like me. I've lost the will to smile for people who won't smile back. I've lost the tolerance for those who are rigid and inflexable and refuse to acknowledge their stuck-ness.
I haven't time left to harbour others dishonesty and betrayal. I haven't time left for those who don't understand the power of compliment and encouragement. I haven't time left for those who emotionally attack others for their own gain. I haven't time left to tolerate those who disguise hate and self-loathing behind a parade and call it love.
I don't have time for people who don't have time for me.
If what you are doing isn't working yet you refuse to budge off your position, I don't care. If you're engaged in self destructive behaviour, know it and continue anyway, I don't care. If you want to gossip behind my back, I don't care. If you want to live in a puddle of self pity or hatred or blame, I don't care. If you stand on the position that the world and everyone in it - past, present and future - has it out for you, I don't care. If you can't forgive those who you believe have trespassed, I don't care. If you aren't accountable for your life and what's in it, I don't care. It's not my job to fix all that ails you. 
I know I deserve better in my life.
Here's the deal...
If you ask for help, I'll do my best with all I know to assist.
If you want to work your way out of less than desirable life habits, I'll be by your side all the way. If you decide to be vulnerable in the face of grave emotional danger, I'll provide a shield. I'll be your biggest cheerleader. I'll coach you where I can and I'll catch you when you slip. I'll build you up and defend you at every turn. I'll go shoulder to shoulder with you against anyone who opposes your decision to heal. I'll help you heal your old wounds. I'll help you face the monsters hidden in your shadows with my sword in my hand. I'll make sure you understand you are capable of anything. I'll make sure you understand I give a shit and you are not alone.
If you step up to the plate and decide you want better than you've had, I'll be the first to defend your choice.
If you decide to live in self-pity and blame and intolerance, I couldn't care less...
and I know of a house where there is a coffin...