A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

Things don't always make sense. Perhaps they're not meant to.

People come in and out of our lives all of the time. Sometimes it seems they are only there for a moment. Other folks stick to us like glue. There are still others who we might not even notice yet they affect our lives in ways we might never understand.

I have moved more than a few times in my life. Sometimes it was a decision, sometimes it was forced and other times it was following my gut instinct. (I tried counting the places I've lived in my head and got to 18 before I quit.) Each and every time there is a move there is also a sense of loss. A sense of leaving the known behind and jumping into the void with a hope and prayer I just might learn to fly this time.

People left behind almost always tug at me. Whenever I feel that tug, I try to remember something I was taught quite a while ago; people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Everyone who shows up in our lives has something for us or we have something for them... or both.

People who are in your life for a reason are those who simply slip into, then out of, our lives and we may not think about it too much. Years down the road we might understand why they were there and not be able to recall their name or even who they were. They are there to meet a need you have expressed or wished for. They have come to assist you with something you are struggling with either physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

People come into your life for a reason because you need a push to get what it is you want or need or wish to change.

People also come into your life for a season because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh or give you energy to move or teach you something you need to learn to move ahead into a better life. They may teach you something you have never done or show you a way of life you never considered (or thought possible). They may be there to bring you out of your hypnosis or show you your dreams are possible. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy, even for a short time. Believe it! Remember that! It is real!

And it doesn't last forever. These are the most difficult connections to get over. You connect with the person at a deep level and then they leave your life for whatever reason.

In both cases of reason and season, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something that ultimately brings the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they leave. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand (i.e. make them leave). What we must understand is that our need has now been met, our desire fulfilled and their work is done... and so is yours. The wish or plea for help has been answered and now it is time for both of you to move on.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Lifetime relationships last forever, even when the two of you move apart. Long distances mean nothing in this kind of relationship. They may disappear for years then suddenly reappear just when you need a kick in the pants or moral support. These are the people you can sit and have a coffee with after being apart for years and act like you had seen them yesterday.

Lifetime relationships never fade... they only shift with the sands of time.

Which of these relationships is most important? None... or all... depending how you choose spin it. The point to all of this is every person you meet is there for some reason. And you're there for them for a reason. You don't even have to know why they are there, although sometimes you will get it. Just know they have showed up in your life because you need them for however long that may last.

The real trick is, I think, to see the positive no matter how long someone is in your life' even if the lesson is difficult or they left under less than ideal conditions... and love them all the same.

Namaste

Thinking Too Much

I had an interesting weekend shovelling snow, watching more snow come down, watching hockey (yeah, I broke down) and shovelling some more snow. I didn't do too much yesterday though... except shovelling. The issue is my brain doesn’t seem to want to shut off whether I'm ensconsed in some activity or laying slug-like in a prone position on the sofa. The thoughts keeps me awake at night and usually makes me a miserable cad in the morning.

What is occupying me these days is relationships and where they go wrong. A few things have come to mind and, right, wrong or indifferent, I would like to share.

Contracts

In the beginning of a relationship, everything is rosy. We are in the honeymoon stage and nothing will ever go wrong. We adore the quirky little traits that, later, will make us mentally retarded.

It’s not the quirky stuff that makes us nuts. The quirky stuff is the primer for the big stuff. What is the big stuff? Contracts. When we enter into a relationship, there are unwritten contracts we each develop in our heads. That is, they are expectations of how the other person should behave and what they are going to do for me. The real trouble starts when the other person begins to unwittingly break the contracts. Further to this, every new and different relationship has a different set of rules, so it’s not as if you could write them down and hand your new partner a binder full of How-To’s.

By the way, your partner has a set of unwritten expectations too. 

Focus

In the beginning, focus on the other person is easy. They are everything you ever wanted (and this could very well be true). Over time, the focus can begin to shift. It moves to other things that society says is important. Work, play time, friendships, financial futures, retirement living or whatever. We need to catch up on all of those little things we neglected while entering into the relationship. Once we know the other person “enough”, we tend to turn our minds to other pressing needs believing that we have completed a task and never have to worry about it again. In extreme cases, we ignore the other person almost completely… which brings me to…

Too much too soon

We share everything early on. This isn’t inherently a negative. We need to develop common bonds in order to connect at a deeper level than pure physical attraction. What we tend to stop doing is exploring each other, physically and mentally. We seem to get to a certain point and stop because we know enough about this person to keep the strings attached…for awhile. The problem? People change and if we don’t keep up with what is going on in their lives, they will be so far away after a time we can’t even see them, never mind attempting to cross the accompanying void. 

At this point, it is done. In very rare cases, the intimacy can be brought back.

Solution?

The simple solution is communication. Make a point of blocking out 15-30 minutes of EVERY evening to catch up on each others day. Most days, the time will not be completely spent. Others, you will run into overtime and still not get to everything that happened. You might not even get a turn to share if your partner is firing on all cylinders on something bothering them.

Share everything; work, the drive home, Aunt Greta’s new false teeth... everything that is on your mind. There are times I don’t like hearing what is being said. If it’s the truth for the other person, who am I to argue? Just believe what they are saying because for them, it’s important that you understand. 

While you’re at it, when your partner is sharing, shut up! You have two ears and one mouth. You should be listening twice as much as you speak. Finally on this, as difficult as it may be, try not to formulate your answer before they are finished speaking. Focus on their words, count to three, and then answer.

One further thing I do. If I’m angry, I ask my partner for a few minutes and go somewhere else to stew. She doesn’t need to hear the crap whirling around the tornado in my head. She needs to hear the calm, collected viewpoint in a manner she can understand. Shouting just kicks on the other person’s defense mechanism and they stop hearing your viewpoint almost immediately. 

Lastly, never, ever, ever go to bed angry.

I wonder if this would work for international relations. Hmm...

Okay... time to stop leaning on the shovel and get my hiney in gear. Wonder if I can find the driveway this time. Ugh!