Salad Dressing and Expectation of People

This is a long post so you might want to get your coffee first. I'll wait.

I went to the grocery.

I wasn't in the market for salad dressing. I just happened to be in the isle. For whatever reason, I decided to count. There are 143 varieties of salad dressing to choose from in my grocery store. The cereal isle is over one hundred feet long. There are 121 variations of potato chips. If you include the combinations of packages, there are 87 different options for salads. This is the price of total freedom.

My eyes glazed over.

I wondered about this freedom thing. Is there such a thing as too much freedom? The official dogma of all civilized western societies is... in order to maximize the welfare of citizens, you must maximize individual freedoms. This is inherently a good thing because we don't have someone deciding on our welfare for us. The way to maximize freedom is to maximize choice. The more choice we have, the more freedom we will have and thus the welfare of the individual will be maximized.

Simple, right?

Go to an electronics store. There are myriad choices to make. In the average electronics store, by combining products to build your system, it is possible to construct over six million different stereo systems.

Too much freedom is debilitating. How does one choose when there are over six million options.

The corporate civilized west has given us all of these options in virtually every area of our lives believing the more choice they give us, the more sales they will generate. In actuality, the opposite happens. People become so overwhelmed by their options they decide not to decide and put their money back in their pockets.

So what?

Remember back when there were two or three blue-jean companies and they had one style of jeans each. The jeans may not have fit perfectly so you washed them a few times and they shrunk a bit and after a while they felt great. Now you can get stone wash or acid wash or straight leg or loose fit or relaxed fit or boot cut or skinny leg or boyfriend jeans (huh?) or low rise or ultra-low rise or mid rise or high rise or... Crikey! And then you have to choose a combination of all of those.

There's a reason I have found a jean style that works for me and I don't deviate... ever.

The trouble starts when you get home with your new jeans. They may be better fitting than the jeans when there was only one style and yet you are less satisfied. The reason people are less satisfied is because they immediately start wondering if they could have made a better choice. The litany of choices does not fade after the decision has been made. What if I chose that or combined that with that? Would my jeans be even better? With more options, it's easier to imagine you could have made a better choice and the satisfaction of the choice you made decreases... even if the choice was a good one.

Why? With all of the choices, expectation goes up dramatically. We now expect perfection and we believe there could have been a more perfect choice. This second guessing happens all of the time in every arena of our lives. All of this choice produces paralysis and self-doubt rather than what might be expected... liberation.

Here's where it gets interesting. There have been studies done over the past twenty years or so showing individuals are not as satisfied when there are more choices than they can compute easily. When we have more choices, we expect perfection and when what we get is satisfactory, we are unhappy because our choice wasn't perfect. When there is less choice, expectation drops and we are happier because there are occasions when what we choose exceeds expectation and most of the time, our choice meets expectation.

As it turns out, the secret to happiness is low expectation. Who'd a thunk it.

In addition, consider this... when there are few choices and something goes wrong, who's fault is it? Theirs... the world. (Well, I only have one choice!) When there are hundreds or thousands of choices and something goes wrong, who's fault is it? Ours... the individual. (We could have done better!) With the explosion of depression and suicides in recent decades, at least part (not all) of the explanation is the overwhelming choices and the internalization that we could have made better choices all of the time. We blame ourselves because our expectations have risen and our results have not kept up to those expectations.

Fewer choices would lead to lower expectations which would lead to more happiness which leads to higher self esteem which would lead to fewer suicides and cases of depression. (Far too many clinical studies to cite that bear this out.)

The conundrum of having all of this freedom of choice is a reduced satisfaction in our choices and lower self esteem. We do need choices. No doubt about it. One or two options does not freedom make. However, there is a line in the sand about the perfect number of choices and even the experts don’t know where that line is. The line is irrelevant since in western society, we have long since surpassed that perfect number.

Pick one... only one... and it has to be the right one.

The problem becomes that all of those choices leading to lower self esteem means we can't even make simple choices without lamenting about them far longer than they deserve.

The interesting thing to me is this; we have transferred that level of expectation from products to people. We have such a high expectation of the people around us, there is no way they can compete with that imaginary line. Thus, we are consistently being disappointed by people and are consistently losing self esteem because...

With all of the choices I had, I should have chosen better.

Not all people are a fit for us. That's a truth. There are people in our lives that feel like sandpaper. However, we have to be careful we are not judging because our expectation is too high rather than a person not being a fit. We have to recognize they are humans and the expectation we hold them to is probably far too high to begin with. We have to be careful we're not judging them like we would a bottle of salad dressing.

We owe that much to ourselves.

Namaste

The Good Morning Project

It's Fall today.

I'm looking forward to the last few kayaks with the colours painting the hills and dark water beneath me. It's a beautiful time of year and, at the same time, a sadness can grow as the trees give up for the year and shed their leaves. In Canada, it is not difficult to look at Fall as an ending if for no other reason than snow seems to be much too close for comfort. I think it's important to remember there are beginnings at this time of year as well.

Fall is the season of harvest, itinerant “v” shape migration, the return of chickadees, the aroma of steaming coffee on the deck in the morning, fresher smelling air, the smell of smoke from a neighbours fire and the incessant droning of chain saws. That last thing isn't so great but the other stuff is good.

There's a certain melancholy attached to fall. You're switching the lawn mower for the snow blower. You're putting things away that were brought out what seems like just yesterday. You're checking to see if the snow machine runs and if hockey gear is ready. The screens are coming off windows. You're making appointments for the winter tires, engine anti-freeze and oil changes.

I grew up first in a small neighbourhood and then in a small community. Life was simpler then because I had a lot less responsibility. I learned things as I went along. As I was walking today, I realized I was doing something I had learned by rote all those years ago and still carry with me now. I was waving and saying good morning to people I do not know. There was nothing dramatic about it or overt; just a simple wave to a passerby or a cheery “Good Morning”.

As much as it is a polite greeting from small town me, I found it was a lift of spirit for me as well. I felt better having connected for a brief moment.

It occurred to me there might be something to this and with fall coming on, there may be more use for it as days grow shorter and cooler weather slides in. We seem to have gotten away from the simple things in life that really make a difference. Those things that change a person's day; that reconnect us on a community level.

Maybe it is time to start again.

So here's the deal... choose 5 random friends from your Facebook list and wish them a good morning. (I think if you choose 5 random strangers it might get a little weird, ya know?). Do this for 14 days. The worst that comes out of it is you have said “Good Morning” to 5 people for two weeks.

One caveat... you have to post to their wall so everyone can see.

You don't have to explain the reason. You can put a link to this post if it seems a bit weird to explain. Or, you can simply say "I've chosen to say good morning to 5 random people a day... pass it on! Hopefully they will follow suit and begin posting their own good morning greetings.

Perhaps someday we might have the world saying “Good Morning” to each other.

For the record, I am not off limits. I like Good Mornings too.

So... to the 5 people who are receiving this message this morning... Good Morning... pass it on!

Namaste

Sunday Morning Musings II

I'm getting closer to the third act of my life (Jane Fonda's metaphor).

Let's face it... we're all on a one way street of sorts. As we move along, the time we have left decreases and we have no idea where that finishing line in the sand resides. The moment of having our entire life ahead of us was years ago when a doctor slapped us on the butt and we drew that first breath... then let out a wail that shook windows and made dogs bark.

If we think back far enough and consider our great grandparents, they would be within years of the graveyard at my age, if they weren't already in it. Based on averages, if I were born in 1850, I would be dead... now. If I had been born in 1900, I might have another ten years left. In our present time, hitting the third act in our lives starts when our great grandparents were calling it a life. What hasn't happened in society is a change in perspective regarding that third act. By and large, many of us (the generalized big we) think we are done doing what we came here to do... and some younger folk think we are done as well.

Are we going to golf or play Gin Rummy for thirty years? It's not my cup of Earl Grey.

I am who I am.

I've heard the above quote far too many times to count. I've seen it on social media, in movies, in television shows, in blog posts and in loud commercials. It has become the anthem to the beginning of the twentieth century. There is a truth in the statement. A momentary truth. I am who I am in that moment. I'm not that person for long.

There is a scientific study I read quite a few years ago that might put this in perspective. Scientists studied human tissue and found that cell death and regeneration occurs at different speeds in different parts of the body. They also found that every cell in your body will regenerate itself within seven years. Every cell. Including bone. What that means is, you are literally a completely new person every seven years.

I'm somewhere in my eighth complete regeneration. I'm planning about four or five more, though we all know what best laid plans can be like.

Which brings me full circle to “I am who I am”. I do get the premise behind it. Accept me for all my quirks and idiosyncrasies and positions about everything and everything I do or I'll point you to the door... with a left boot to boot. It's a position of strength, right? It's a position of self... of knowing who I am and what I stand for, right? It's a position of knowing what I will put up with and personal contentment... right?

Umm... yes and no. There are some among us who use "I am who I am" as a mantra to justify where they are stuck. I did it. I still do from time to time.

If you still have dreams about places you want to see, things you want to do or where you want to live, then you are not finished. And, who you are is not who you are dreaming about... or you would be there living that life and not dreaming. The hard truth is, if you are dreaming about something else, it is because you are not there. You have what you have because of who you are. The only way to achieve those dreams is to be something else. I am who I am is too often used as justification to stay stuck as you are.

I am who I am and I'm never going to change and I like being the person I was when I was happiest at some vague point in my past that no-one else remembers or cares about and there is nothing you can do about it or that I want to do about it so accept it or leave me alone.

Well, I'm here to tell you change is inevitable. Even the cells in your body know that simple truth.

So, now we are living older. Gone are the days when we cultivated the seeds of early childhood in the first act. Gone are the days when we toiled in the fields until we face planted... exhausted... in a freshly tilled row of potatoes in the second act. We now have a third act, thanks to science, technology and modern living. What are you going to do with that third act? Are you still going to be that person stuck at twenty-six or eighteen or thirty-one when you perceive you were happiest in your life? Or worse, are you clinging to that hurt person who from many years ago who just wants to be loved? I've got news for you. If you're in your third act of the play of your life, that person you're clinging to died a long time ago.

You have twenty... thirty... forty years to go. Are you going to spend those years right where you are now? Are you going to stick with “I am who I am” and be the same person for thirty more years?

If you want to stay in whatever place you are now and do what you are doing, I have no right to try to change that and I will be happy for you. Maybe you do want to golf every day for thirty years. Maybe hanging with your friends and shuffling cards back and forth is enticing. Maybe living out your life writing crackbrained blog posts is Nirvana. I have no right to try to convince you otherwise. If you are happy with where you're at, stay there. If you believe you have done all you want to do and it's time to reminisce your doings and beings until you die, perfect!

However, if you are not content and want to do, be and see something different than what you already have and know, then find another way of being... another way of doing... another way of living. I don't know about you and I know I am changing... becoming more.

Personally, I prefer a new mantra... I am becoming who I want to be.

Namaste

National Floundering League

The Packers won last Sunday in a dramatic comeback.

Not what I am going talk about. I was avoiding this topic for a number of reasons. Not the least of which was... everyone else was talking about it. I needed to let this all sink in a bit before opening my gaping maw to elucidate my position.

Since the Ray Rice video and the resulting hullabaloo, there have been a rash of benchings and suspensions around the NFL. Expect more. Jonathan Dwyer, Adrian Peterson and Greg Hardy have all been suspended pending investigations into litigation against them. Ray Rice will never play football again. The NFL appears to be taking a hard stance toward some serious allegations toward some of its players. People (women in particular) have begun to shy away from watching the game based on the NFL's handling of the Ray Rice video. The media coverage has, as is customary, jumped all over this news event with wild eyes, frothing mouth and Pulitzer Prize intent.

A few questions have to be asked, I think.

First, did the NFL fumble the response to the Ray Rice video?

It seems it has. Roger Goodell is likely done as commissioner of the league. The more this is looked at, the more it looks like he tried to sweep it under the carpet.

Second, are the team owners culpable?

The short answer is, one would think they are.

Third, should Ray Rice have been suspended from playing in the NFL?

Yes. No question. Some out there are saying his life is ruined and he now has no way to support his family. Tough. He should have thought of that before he got drunk and beat his girlfriend unconscious.

Fourth, why is there a higher incidence of violence amongst athletes?

There isn't. There are enough studies that have been done over the years and decades to indicate the incidence of violence among athletes is no higher than in the population at large. The difference is the publicity. Athletes are on camera in some form or other much more than the average Joe. They are much much more visible. The difference between Ray Rice and the woman down the street who beats her kids with a hunk of pipe is... zero. (If you think women aren't perpetrators of physical violence, you've been talking to the wrong people.)

Not watching the NFL because of the Ray Rice incident sends the wrong message. It's blaming the NFL for a problem that is inherently societal. This immoral, illegal, insipid behaviour crosses all boundaries of sport, all boundaries of social status, all boundaries of race, creed, colour and all boundaries of sexual orientation. It is not an NFL problem. If you believe there are not instances of domestic violence in baseball, hockey, basketball... golf... then you're diving into the fray with blinders on. It's everywhere.

What I would like to see from the NFL, rather than cover their exposed behind or suddenly take action after the fact, is to take a stance that is societal in scope. I would like to see them put their money where their mouth is and fund an educational program against violence. I would like to see the NFL, and all sports organizations, step up to the plate and publicly denounce domestic violence.

What I would like to see is any instance of violence dealt with, whether it be a professional athlete or a bully at school.

Sadly this issue (not the event) will be shuffled to a back burner until the court case. Some other frenetic media circus will attract the “shiny penny syndrome” of our media outlets and the domestic violence story will grow quiet for a while. The abuse will go on, shuffled to the back of the mind like the the memory of the guy who cut you off in traffic last Wednesday.

The Ray Rice incident caused a fervour because of who he was and because it was caught on camera. We care about incidences like these because they are so blatant or because it has happened to someone we know. It's easy to scream that something should be done to this monster from the anonymity of our computer screens. It's easy to join the chorus of others calling for someone's head when the song has already begun.

I am not for a minute suggesting Ray Rice should not be dealt with. I am suggesting we stop making this a one time incident issue and start making it a stricken societal issue.

I don't have the answers. I wish I did.

Namaste

Follow Your Bliss? Really?

You will often hear the words, “Follow your bliss” from self help books, motivational speakers and during weekend retreats designed to send you back to the world energized and blowing sunshine out your butt.

Let me start by saying this...

Read books by Tony Robbins, Napoleon Hill, Robin Sharma, Oprah, Elizabeth Gilbert, Dale Carnegie, Cynthia Barlow (personal plug), et al.

See movies like What the Bleep Do We Know, Way of the Peaceful Warrior and Celestine Prophecy.

Go on weekend retreats for yoga, nature, self improvement and general spiritual awakening.

But you have to know this. For the most part, when you finish the book, movie or retreat, in most cases reality is going to slap you right back where were. You'll know why you are this way in your life and mostly you won't know how to get out of this place. How do we gain all of this knowledge about ourselves, society, psychology, philosophy and how the world works and ultimately end up back where we were?

The rest of the world hasn't changed... and you still have to fit into it. You may see things differently and they don't. You still have to feed the kids, go to work, deal with traffic, pay the bills... it doesn't stop because you are light and fluffy from your weekend. What the hell do you do with all of that new knowledge and sunshine coming out your arse?

The world isn't likely to treat you differently. Odds are they will try to drag you back to average, where they are, because they don't feel comfortable with the new you. 

What's a girl to do?

Which brings me back to follow your bliss. What the hell does that mean? What is a bliss? If I found one, would I even know what it looks like? Can I put it on a leash and take it for a walk like the dog?

I was watching a video the other night with Elizabeth Gilbert speaking (author of Eat, Pray, Love). She said following your bliss is fine as long as you know what it is. And ninety-five percent of the population haven't a clue what it is. In her words, "If you knew what your bliss was, you would already be doing it!"

Great. Now what do I do?

The trick is, if you don't know what your bliss is, don't panic. Follow your curiosity.

What makes me curious? What is it that I would like an answer about? How do I enjoy spending time? Is it kayaking? Is it photography? Is it hiking? Is it reading? Is it writing? Is it philosophy? Perhaps I should be a kayaking-cycling-photographer-writer-reader-philosopher thingy... if there is such a thing. (Actually, there is such a thing... me.)

If you don't know your bliss, follow your curiosity.

There are a lot of people who may never find their bliss. Perhaps, for them, curiosity is the bliss. Curiosity itself can be bliss... count on it. For many others, following their curiosity will lead them to their bliss. Following your curiosity will open doors you never knew existed in the first place. And one door opened will lead to a room with more doors until you find the room that feels comfortable to you.

Whatever you may be curious about, find people who know something about which you are curious and ask questions. Try new things you thought you would like to try. Read a book that has a subject you might like. Watch a movie that takes you places you haven't been before. Join a group that has activities you may be interested in. Teach other people what you know. (We teach what we most need to learn.)

Sparks that peak your curiosity are floating all around you. Grab a spark and light a fire.

Namaste