Gorillas That We Missed

What we remember is largely based on perception, perspective and attention.

Have you ever been reading a text while walking down the street when a lamp post jumped out in front of you? Clunk! Yeah... me too. Frigging hurts! (My ego, mostly.) We are far too focused on the little tidbit from a friend to notice we are walking blythly into an immovable object.

Before reading the balance of this post, check out the one and a half minute video in the link. Really try to do the exercise. It will help explain what I'm about to subject you to surrounding selective attention. ~grin~

I'll wait.

~whistling, shuffling papers, checking out websites~ “Oh! I want one of those!”

Ah! You're back.

Firstly, did you see everything while doing the test? Fifty percent of you did not. In fact, if you did happen to notice what crossed the screen, you probably lost count at the same time. It's called “inattentional blindness”. What it means is, you cannot focus on one thing and register everything else around that event even if it seems it should be blatantly obvious. If I had you do another test, some of those who noticed what happened in the last video would miss things in the second video.

None of this limited perception has anything to do with intelligence. It has everything to do with focus.

That which we focus on grows (we see more of it) and that which we don't focus on shrinks (we don't notice it as much). I have talked about a similar vane in the past when I mentioned in a previous post that we see 4 million bits of information per second yet we only register about 2 thousand. Which of those 4 million we choose to focus on is what we will register into memory.

Which pretty much explains why some people see an event one way while others see another.

Are we really listening to what Aunt Polly is saying about her new fuchsia doily collection while having cinnamon tea at the bistro or are we focused on the really cute human who just happened to walk by outside the window. In the future, Aunt Polly will smell cinnamon tea and remember a lovely day at the bistro. You'll smell cinnamon tea and remember the hot commodity that just wandered by. Same event... different memory.

What we see is what we focus on and our unique perspective. We have to consciously change our minds before we can change our minds.

Interestingly, this can happen with long ago stored memories as well. We tend to drop some of the details of an event and skew the memory toward a better outcome for ourselves. It's a form of self preservation. Over time, we don't even realise we have altered the memory. The only thing that can change the way we see it is to have facts thrust upon us.

Have you ever compared the same story with a friend years later only to realise your version isn't the same? “Dude! You weren't even there!”

Experiences from our past can alter our memory of current events as well. This comes back to what we focus on. If I've had a bad experience in the past – perhaps several times – the odds are pretty good if a similar experience comes up, I'm going to look intently for those same hints of negative experience and see only those. We eliminate those things that do not jive with our memory and, in turn, our expectation. Even if the negative experience doesn't happen at all, I will invent it in my mind just to prove that this is the way it is for me!

So... what to do about it?

Recognising this is not the same experience and the person or event does not have the same intent or outcome as those which have come before is a good start. Knowing what we are focusing on and why is also important. I cannot change my mind until I know what it is I wish to change. I cannot integrate new behaviours and beliefs until I know what my current behaviours and beliefs are.

Why do I cut the ends off a ham before cooking it?

If I enter into a situation with a predetermined idea how it will turn out, that's very, very likely the experience I will endure. That's what my memories do. They predetermine how this particular situation is going to shake out because I know I've seen this before. And, if those memories are skewed, then the reality of the situation will likely elude me as well.

I will create my experience to prove that is my experience because that's exactly how I remember it from last time.

Have you ever gone to a party believing you were going to have a bad time... and did... while everyone else was having a hoot?

I once had someone tell me several times she couldn't see how she could last more than ten years in a relationship. Guess how long the relationship lasted. It became ingrained in her perspective and was based on how she integrated her memories into her current situation.

After checking out the video, I mentioned I was surfing through websites and wrote “Oh! I want one of those!” What do you suppose it is I wanted? Does it matter? Each of you will have had a flash of thought regarding what website I was looking at based on what you know about me. Even if our contact has been limited, you will have formed some sort of opinion based on your collected memories of me and situations we have been in together.

Odds are pretty good none of you are right. 

We have to be careful how we judge people when what we are basing our opinions on are likely a limited portion of who that person really is and on our memory of them... or our memory of people from our past who are similar to them.

Namaste

One Hundred Fifty Then Bust

Technology is a wonderful thing.

After posting yesterday I realized my blog has fingers in more pies than I remembered. It automatically goes out to a few venues. I should probably explain that I am still on hiatus from Facebook (and most social media, for that matter). It might look like I'm there but I'm not.

My sudden appearance is akin to a wispy puff of smoke like the proverbial ghost in the machine.

It would seem that technology is invading our lives everywhere we turn. Even this blog is being written, not by fingers incessantly hunting and pecking on a keyboard, but by voice command. It's rather interesting technology though it often tends to garble what I'm saying. Either that or I am mumbling like a drunken, gutter bound sailor after a despicable night of overindulgence.

Considering my predisposition for slurring when I'm tired, it's more likely the latter.

Here's an example: What I said was, “Hi, I am Ed.” What came out on the screen was, “High, I am like a kick in the head.” The machine is probably right, in the end. The technology, though, as much as it may be an extension of our memory (transitive memory) cannot pick up on nuance. It may be "smart" and it's really not that... smart.

Continuing on the theme from yesterday's post, Dr. Wegner has taken his study much farther than simply the venue of couples. He, and others, have continued research into the realm of optimal community size. It turns out shared memory in a community is optimized at 150. They have called this The Rule of 150 (go figure).

This rule of 150 extends to many groups including learning institutions, church organizations, corporations, neighborhoods, book clubs and house parties. Once a group reaches close to or over 150, some of the members of the group will become unruly.

Consider the example of W. L. Gore and Associates (the creators of Gor-Tex). Each time one of their factory units approaches 150 people, they split the unit in two creating an entire new building for the new unit. The company has been wildly successful for 40 years. W. L. Gore realized early on that any organization greater than a certain number becomes distracted, ineffectual and knowledge becomes shared only by peer groups rather than the entire organization. He just happened to note that 150 seemed to be the magic number, which researchers have since discovered. In his organization everyone knows everyone and knowledge is shared throughout each facility. In this way, Gore has created a large corporation of small, intimate, completely functional groups (tribes).

W. L. Gore and Associates has been rated as one of the top 100 places to work virtually since its inception.

Though it seems technological advances are allowing us to reach farther, in effect we're still bound by the same parameters we have been constrained by for tens of thousands of years (the 150 rule). Even anthropological studies show that smaller groups were more effective and the size of those groups seldom reached more than 150. Is it any wonder large communities begin to have undesirables? After reaching 150 people, individuals begin to feel separated from the community at large. They begin to feel anonymous. They begin to feel disconnected. They begin to feel overburdened and pull away.

They've gone into a form of separation anxiety and act out simply to be noticed. But, what they really need is a break from the group with a smaller, more intimate group. A sabbatical, if you will.

It would seem I am no different.

I tend to get wrapped up far too much in other people's stuff and forget myself. Thus the need for a mental holiday and a hiatus from social media. I, like many others, reach a level of mental overload and need to get away for awhile. It's a psychic break from technology and people to simplify things and bring me back around to being myself. I take these breaks occasionally. Sometimes it's for two days and has been as long as two years.

~shrug~ Who knows when stability returns (if ever).

Here's what I know. Technology, while enhancing our ability to communicate, has not enhanced communication. In the end it may actually be degrading our ability to communicate over wide swaths of society. With the overuse of symbols, acronyms and truncated 140 character thoughts, we may actually be turning ourselves into a society of B.C. comic strip cartoon characters where the small group understands each other and the message is lost on the grand scale. Alley Oop has nothing on us, Dude... right?

In modern society we all belong to a tribe. Our tribe. However our tribe hasn't the same collected members as everyone else's tribe. This is neither good nor bad because shared memory travels much more quickly in interconnected groups. 

But the intimacy and emotional closeness of the information is gone.

Instead, tribes are interconnected with everyone else's tribe. That is, your tribe is not the same as my tribe even though we are each a part of each other's tribe. Not so long ago your tribe was the same tribe as my tribe and everyone we knew were the same people.

Things seemed to function better then.

Perhaps that is the answer. Perhaps we should all split off into tribes and disappear into the wilderness.

Or perhaps we should just get off social media get to know our neighbors.

Namaste

Sitting in the Nose Bleeds Watching the Frey

I'm gonna crap all over Cupid... the vacuous, plump little man-bird.

Today is the day some of us get cards with wee hearts and an innocuous Hallmark inscription scrawled inside. After a split-second and a peck on the cheek, we start to think of the eighteen boxes of chocolate we bought for ourselves and have been stuffing into our mouths by the fistful for the past week whilst hidden in the kitchen pantry - chocolate, caramel and rum filling smeared all over our fingers and face - dark chocolate saliva slinking from the corner of our smirking lips – pausing at every odd sound like a wide-eyed, chipmunk-cheeked, milk chocolate convict.

Ah... romance.

Whether yours is broken, throbbing, cracked, bludgeoned or over-the-moon stoned on industrial strength Endorphins, today is heart day. Some of us will be spending time with a new love fawning over each other until it's difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. Some of us will be spending our day with someone we have known for years. Still others will be spending time with the love of our life... ourselves.

Today is the day new love blossoms, old love rekindles, someone gets a note from a secret admirer, someone gets turned down, some laugh, some make love, some cry. It's a day that affects virtually everyone.

But, is it the heart after all?

University of Virginia psychologist Daniel Wegner coined the term “transactive memory” in 1985 where he studied couples and memory. He took half of a group of couples and paired them in their actual couple. The other half of the group were split up and paired with a person they did not know. Each pair were given samples of information, then asked questions afterwards. The couples who were with a partner they were not familiar with fared poorly. Those who were with their own familiar partner did much better in remembering details.

What Dr. Wegner found was there is a memory sharing between couples. People who are in a couple haven't a need to remember everything like they might when they are single. They can use their partner's memory. Those who were paired with an unfamiliar person fared less well because they didn't have the memory connection between them.

In a couple, each partner becomes responsible for remembering certain things and becomes a specialist in performing certain tasks. We can debate the rightness or fairness of this splitting all we like. It happens whether we agree with it or not. And, we are all capable of storing required memory and performing required tasks ourselves. It's simply more efficient in a couple.

There's a certain level of euphoria attached to becoming a couple. How much of that euphoria is actually relief? “I finally don't have to remember all that shit by myself anymore!” It's a different spin on the reasons for attraction. Perhaps we're attracted to a certain person because they capable and willing to do the crappy, mundane shit we don't want to do.

Therefore, romance is nothing more than me taking responsibility for shit you don't want to do and vise versa.

Done deal.

This would also explain a lot of other things along the winding road through hills and dales we call love. Consider the following list:

• I get pissed off at you when I have to be responsible for shit you are supposed to handle, you lazy, scum-sucking slug.
• I feel lonely because I am exhausted having to deal with all the crap on my own. Where is that one person to pick up all the slack?
• I miss you when you're away because now I am forced to remember how to do all the shit again.
• Break-ups hurt so much because you're taking those memories and responsibilities I stored with you away from me! Arse-hole.
• I feel euphoria when you come home because I get to give responsibility back to you for the shit I can't remember how to deal with - like letting the baby out and changing the dog.
• I begin to feel disconnected when you no longer hold up your end of the bargain and share your memory with me.

We feel euphoria or pain or loneliness in our chest and attribute the feeling to an expanding or breaking heart. Science now shows the heart is simply reacting to chemical reaction of the brain either by feeling relief that we have found someone to relieve us of remembering everything or by feeling anxiety and loss because we have lost part of our memory stored with a person we trusted to be there.

Indeed, it isn't just a feeling you have lost your mind when you break up. You actually have lost a piece of your mind. And it is painful.

This would explain why we are attracted to the same personality type over and over. It feels like we are getting our memories back. It would also explain why we are reluctant to give up on a relationship we shouldn't be in at all. That person, despite not fitting with us, has our external stored memory.

As for me, the operation was a success. I'm pretty happy remaining disconnected and watching the show from the nose-bleed section of the arena. You all just go ahead and dance the jig. I'm content right where I am with my memories... taking aim at the plump little winged man-bird with an evil grin curling my lips and milk chocolate saliva dripping down my chin.

The Sun Always Shines On TV

Any time inclement weather rolls through, I always seem to think of the song by A-Ha. Maybe it's a secret wish to be on TV.

Of course, if I were on TV I would likely have to look presentable every day. That could be a problem.

I was out the other day doing my best orange Michelin Man imitation when a patch of ice covered concrete decided to darken my day. In a millisecond I went from staring at the contraption in my hand to seeing a cloudy sky whilst laying on a concrete mattress. Even now as I think back on the event, I can't seem to get an image of that fraction of a second to figure out what happened.

My balance is better than average.

I've stepped on patches of ice before. In fact, I've stepped on a couple in the days since. I have always been able to catch my footing and, as awkward as it may look for a moment, keep my myself upright. So what happened?

As I lay there assessing any damage that I may have inflicted upon my semi-fragile self, I muttered under my breath, “Focus, Dude. Focus.” Bruised ilium, bruised humerus, bruised ulna, lacerated elbow and bruised ego. At least there was nothing broken. I really did need to focus.

But focus wasn't the problem.

The problem was what I was focused on. For that instant, I was focused on the job and not my surroundings. I wasn't being mindful of where I put my foot even though I was moving forward. Accidents seem to happen when I'm looking down or looking back or looking too far forward.

The same thing seems to happen in relationships.

If I'm not paying attention to the conditions in front of me, there can be a sudden – and sometimes disastrous – change of view. Slowing down a bit gives me the chance to see what's happening around me; to assess a situation before it gets out of hand. It seems to me that life isn't lived getting from A to B as quickly as one can. It's lived in the moments when I stop to hear the breeze whisper through the pines or watch the glimmer of sun in a babbling brook or hold the hand of a troubled someone I give a shit about – all the while keeping my goals in the back of my mind.

It's okay to put goals aside for a moment now and then to enjoy living. It's okay to stop for a moment and adjust who I am to what is happening around me. Adjustments in my behaviour can easily save me from a slip and fall I should have seen coming. There are some things in life that are more important than "getting there".

I will get there, wherever "there" is. And it would be nice to be able to share that with someone I stopped to notice along the way.

In the meantime, I know I will heal. I always do. The sun will come out again and this brief little storm will pass.

And, perhaps, getting into TV isn't such a bad idea.

Namaste

Showing Real

“This year I am not making a resolution to change anything. Instead, I resolve to be more of who I already am.”

The above quote is the resolution I made at New Year's 2012. I believe it's been a success, though it's taken more than a single year to get results. Circumstances – both uplifting and debilitating - have aided in the migration from “circumstantial mask changing” to slowly throwing each mask in a refuse heap. It's not an easy task being genuine in all conditions and it is very, very easy to retrieve a mask from the waste bin when the excrement hits the fan.

I looked back over some of the old posts FaceBook was kind enough to pop up and remind me of at the end of the year; some painful, some joyous, some painful that turned out to be okay and some that seemed joyous and had a bitter aftertaste. None of those moments were a waste of energy. Every single one was purposeful. My choices were to remain real or to fetch a mask as quickly as possible.

Destiny is nothing more than a destination... an ending. Choices – which we are free to make - determine the bumpiness of the road.

There are times when we may slip off the path we have chosen. Sometimes we are pushed. It's easy to put on the “brave face” mask at times like those. I consciously remind myself that a step off the path for whatever reason is the way the Universe tells me it's time to reflect, rest and be accountable. One day - good or bad - does not a life make. The real trick is to show up for real every day. Showing up for real means sharing those “bad” moments (which often aren't as bad as they seem) as well as the good without putting on a social mask.

Sharing without an agenda of needing is important.

Social media is a place to connect, presumably. It's certainly a place to keep tabs on those we care about; to know what is happening in their lives. However, it isn't real on a couple of different levels. Firstly – and most obviously – there is nothing like the connection of looking into someone's eyes as they speak or hearing their voice or walking side-by-side on an adventure or seeing the same shooting star.

I'll take a phone call over a "like" click any day.

Secondly, most of us tend to share the good things or the things we feel strongly about. Seldom do we share those moments when we are sad or scared or lost. There have been many studies finding that reading social media is a depressant because we ultimately end up comparing ourselves to all of the good things happening to others with the idiotic notion that everyone's life is better than our own.

So... this is the year of showing real without fear or agenda.

Fear makes you foolish in your choices and skews your thoughts. Fear of being alone, fear of death and fear of loss are huge. Fear of being vulnerable and appearing "less-than" is bigger. No-one wants the rest of humanity to think they are weak. Being vulnerable is scary shit. It's the biggest risk anyone will ever take.

Without agenda or belligerence, I think it's important that both sides be shown on social media and, more importantly, in the real world. If I'm sad, I'll say so. If I'm elated, I'll say so. If I love you, I'll say so. (Being in love is different. Just sayin'.) If I have something to say that may be taken the wrong way, then silence or a personal message or – wonder of wonders – an actual phone call is preferred.

The point is, it's more important to me to be real about how I feel than to only show the “good” side of my world or to put a mask on that keeps the perception of strength. It's also more important to me the persons I am connecting with be real as well.

It's more important to me to be real than to fear vulnerability.

If you're brave enough to ask me how I'm doing - face to face or on social media - expect the real answer and the chance to hear the story that goes with it. 

The vulnerability train is leaving the station.

Namaste